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Best Facebook statuses

One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the fuck happened to the roof?"

Life would be perfect if some girls had mute buttons, guys had edit buttons, bad times had fast forward buttons, & good times had pause buttons. Live, laugh!

I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.

Sorry Weather Channel. Not buying it. I heard you talking about projecting the hurricaine path based on what models are saying. Last time I let a model give me science advice my kid got polio and the mumps.

Men, we failed we just can never understand the woman's logic, so give up trying, nod your head, and say thank you for still loving us anyway

FRIEND: Wanna hear a joke? , YOU: Your life?!

I'm going to stand outside.. If anyone asks, I'm outstanding..

I'm going to stand outside.. If anyone asks, I'm outstanding..

I'm in a relationship with sleep and i get some everynite... and if im lucky i get some during the day

Wonder what type of nonsense I can expect in my dreams tonight...

A perfect girl is not real, and a real girl is not perfect . :)

Ironing lady wanted.No wait, scrap that.Hot sexy male wanted to come and iron in my home.Fire and rescue training an advantage.Other men in uniform considered

Your arrival was fantastic, now let me see your departure!

I don't Judge People,.I just laugh at them.

Cops don't like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don't care

There's a fine line between Courage and Stupidity.. can you tell the difference? Apparently not... The little boy asked his father 'DAD how much does it cost to get married? Father replied 'I dont know son. Im still payimg

For all you who think I'm not worth much, I'll have you know I have many great qualities or as my therapist calls them "symptoms".